Play with the city - brighton

So anyway I was parked up in the city… and suddenly all the nearby buildings began to move like huge robots, with windows for eyes and garage doors for mouths… and this metal stairwell arm unhinges itself and slaps me in the rear bumper, hurling me forward like a bowling ball…

Only kidding.

Though if the buildings in Brighton did come to life and start playing with the Qashqai [ala TV ad] then they’d most likely resemble giant icing-sugared cakes and the Nissan would be dodging a bun fight. It’s a place where regency period crescents and white seafront facades seem as if they’re melting in the sun. Adelaide Crescent looks like wedding cake to me, and the town houses of Hove look like giant sponges with painted cream fillings. The pier itself, with it’s multi-colours, looks totally like candy and then there’s the city’s centrepiece – the Pavilion. Obviously made of marzipan, it would be at home in a scene from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, complete with encrusted sweets bejewelling it’s sugared domes, lollipop towers and ornate iced cornices.

So, if that hasn’t got me a job writing the next TV ad, let’s at least continue the edible theme…

I thought I’d feature a few of the best pudding places in Brighton. And that’s no euphemism, I’m talking desserts here. Dining out all the time can get expensive, but limit yourself to a few choice desserts and you can go out without going all out, if you know what I mean. So, in no favourable order…

La Forchette. 42 Church Road, Hove. French cafe with a great selection of pastries and quiches, pretty good coffee too, but it’s the little cakes that really overtake the biscuit. Try the tiny little dark chocolate ones, they’ll send your caffeine levels through the roof but are useful for staying awake whilst walking around Hove.

Doughnuts on the Pier. Little deep fried buggers rolled in sugar, best eaten when hot, ideal after a long bike ride when it’s necessary to celebrate your miraculous return home. Its surrounding environs include arcade games.

Scoop and Crumb. 5/6 East Street. Is it sublime homemade ice cream time in your head? If so, you’ll like being in this place, it’s like being 10 years old and going to a Swedish girls birthday party. You half expect naked parents to be wandering around. Ok so I’ve gone too far there, but sod it, just look at some of the happy people pictured here, jacked up on a sugar rush. Why exactly is it called an ice cream headache anyway?

Marrocco’s. 8 Kings Esplanade. Hove Sea front. More homemade ice creamery here, http://www.marroccos-restaurant.co.uk - worth linking to because of the classic photos. Every Brightonian knows this place, it’s an ideal end of the walk venue for most sundae dreaming Sunday strollers. It’s also an easy bribe to get kids to behave I imagine. A proud family orientated Italian café, rightly loved by all.

The Coach House, 24 High Street. Here’s a place you can turn up to after 9pm and not get a huffy response when you ask only for the sweets menu. It’s situated near the Hop poles [my favourite Pub] and the waitress staff lovely. The steaks on the main menu are spot on too. It’s got an inside/outside bar area, perfect in the summer, good dessert wines to boot.

The Mock Turtle Tea Shop, 4 Pool Valley. You head back in time with this one. In a word- quaint. In three words, quaint and scary. The flowery wallpaper seems to close in on you as you grapple with tea strainers and vintage china sets lucky to survive the war. Doilies and crocheted cloths cover hand-varnished tables and cakes stack up in the window on those silver triple-tiered cake stands. When I was there, ‘JR Hartley’ from the old Yellow pages TV ad was actually sitting in the corner testing his dentures on Rock cake and cinnamon toast.

It seems too ironic to me that this New Year my phone decided not to work properly. One button didn’t work. That button was the ‘WXYZ’ button in the bottom corner, which pretty much screwed me when trying to text ‘NEW’, ‘YEAR,’ ‘WISHES’ ‘YOUR,’ ‘FAMILY’ and adding a few kisses. Since the same defect button is also the ‘9’ I couldn’t even default to ‘have a great 09!’ Even my girlfriend’s name has ‘Z’ in it. Sod texts. Simply conveying best wishes to friends became an exhausting test of mental and finger endurance, just when you want to be having fun.

As I tried to enjoy my night in the Duke Of Norfolk [113-114 Western Road], my pasting became more frenetic and fraught with the danger of mixing up friends’ names. The whole thing soon became an irritating challenge I couldn’t snap out of. Instead of simply copying and pasting from other people’s messages – this was suggested to me in hindsight, I juggled a drink and a phone and fired off crap phrases such as ‘top tidings to you at this time’ and ‘av a beaut oh nine.’

Needless to say the night rubbed me up the wrong way from the start and wasn’t really helped by the doo in a pub I usually love. The Duke of Norfolk is great because of its proximity not just to Bankers chippy, but also many international language schools. Hence it often feels really optimistic and full of people who are keen to socialise. Ensuing travel stories combine with a generous 6pm-10pm happy hour -Sunday to Thursday, to create memorable nights. They also encourage board games, have free Wi-Fi access [which incidentally covers the entire block], have amply stocked bookshelves and feature the odd, low-key live music gig. It’s a gem of a place.

It wasn’t happening in there on New Years though, so we changed the scene. We drove up the steep road to Ditchling Beacon [rising from 90 metres to 248 metres in just under a mile] and shortly before midnight I parked up. With my passengers clutching small, smoking bottles of bubbly we watched the fireworks fizz and pop over the fair seaside city.